Breast Augmentation: How Big is Too Big?

Bazoombas. Cha-chas. Cans. Melons. Milk Jugs, or even Mosquito Bites. Whatever you call them, women’s breasts come in all shapes and sizes. In many cases, you live with whatever you get at birth. But, through the marvels of plastic surgery, you can in fact choose our own boob size. Since you can pick any size for your ta-tas, how do you choose the best breast size? Is there really such a thing as too big?

Moderate-Profile: “Perky, Yet Petite”

As one plastic surgeon notes, “Not everybody is built to accommodate large implants.” If you are a petite woman and it is not your ambition to look like a Barbie doll, you may want to choose a breast implant with a moderate profile, or minimal projection. In other words, your breasts will be like your natural ones, only better. Can you say, perky?

Disadvantage: Your side profile might still resemble a snake that has just swallowed a small mouse. On the flip side, many people may not notice what to you is a gargantuan difference. While you will be happy to have the right size, it could be disappointing when nobody compliments you on your new assets.

Moderate Profile Plus: “Eisenhowers for Everyone”

For the average size woman who would like a little more volume—without the added expense of a specially made harnesses—the moderate-profile plus breast implants might be the most bang for your plastic surgery buck. These bosoms fit nicely on a narrow chest because, from the back, they do not make you look as if you are smuggling watermelons under your shirt.

Disadvantage: You do not look like you are smuggling watermelons under your shirt. Also, this is America you live in. Go big or go home.

High Profile: “Maximum Mammaries”

Projection, projection, projection. With high-profile breast implants, you get ample cleavage and plenty of projection, which totally comes in handy when you need to nudge people out of the way to the front row at a Maroon 5 concert. High-profile boobies also make every t-shirt in your closet tighter. Extra cleavage comes in handy for carrying necessities like your cell phone, favorite lipstick, or puppy.

Disadvantage: The new breasts are going to weigh more than you ever thought your chest could support. There is a chance you will suffer from back pain and never be able to go out to show off your boobs. You will have to special order your bikini tops from the “big girl” bra store that caters to sizes 34GG and costs $128 per breast.

Selecting the right breast implants is like choosing a name for your daughter—it shapes her for the rest of her life. Choose wisely and do not rush. But remember, the key to a fulfilling life is to be happy with every aspect of yourself: mind, soul, and muffins. When you feel good about yourself, you exude contagious happiness wherever you go. Others will be naturally drawn to your new appendages, no matter how big or small they are.

Learn more about how to choose the best breast implant size for you.